a rush of blood to the head

Now where did I get my title from? I really can't remember. I think it's the album name of some band. Anyway, it just suddenly popped into my head, hence, my title. I really don't have anything sensible to say. 'Just feel like ranting.
I visited my old home last week. And it turned out to be another disappointment. Why do I keep letting myself get into this situation. It's only me who always loses. Although I was glad I got to talk with my old friends, it's not really the same anymore. The only good thing I got out of the visit was the realization that I should stop setting myself up for disappointment. It's actually all up to me. So from now on, I'm starting over. No more wishful thinking, so they say. No emo stuff, either. It gets tiring, after a while. And no doubt my closest friends are sick of hearing me whine. So since Sunday, I have to say I've made some progress. I'm quite happy now. And I finally know what to do.

*This blog probably doesn't make sense to anyone reading it, but bear with me. My mind is a mess, lately. That's why I'm starting over.

friendship of convenience

It's been 2 months since I left my old home. I thought that the loneliness would've passed by now, but it's really more painful than before. Maybe because I now have a lot of time on my hands, with nothing much to do. And there's so much free time to reminisce and just be sad. It was actually a lot better when I started in this new place. Lots to do, so toxic, so busy with work. I missed my friends so much then but that was always put at the back of my mind, as there were other more important things to think about. Now, I'm in my electives, with once-a-week duty, what the hell..? Anyway, this is the time when I'm supposedly partying every night, going out to dinner, watching movies and hanging out with my long-lost friends. But... I have no friends, all of a sudden. Huh. Here I was, texting and texting, planning stuff. But then they weren't available, had other things to do. Of course, I don't expect them to drop everything just to spend time with me, but a little effort would have been greatly appreciated. I visited them once, and it wasn't good at all. At least for me. I felt awkward, as if we had nothing to talk about. It just hit me, that they've all moved on. And I was still in one place, wanting to go back, and couldn't move forward.
Now, I've stopped missing them. I just feel numb. Apparently, it's just friendship for convenience's sake. We were thrown together, and spent 4 years working together. Maybe we just couldn't help but become friends with one another. But now that everything is over, and we're just here for 1 more year, and we me gone to another place, then the friendship has expired. Haha. Easy as that. Real friends make an effort. You don't see them only when you have free time. You MAKE time for them. I was reaching out, but then they didn't want me anymore. If I had stayed with them, most likely we would still be really close. But since I left, I have no place in their schedules anymore. So I'm gonna stop. At least for my self-preservation. I feel better knowing where I stand.

*disclaimer: I am being overly emotional tonight. These are the rantings of a person with absolutely nothing fun to do right now. And instead of getting work done, is making non-sense blogs. Haha. I would most likely change my opinion of my friends next week. But wouldn't you agree that there's something wrong with the picture here? I will always keep this in mind, so as not to be disappointed next time... :)

All About Assholes

('wrote this a long time ago.  I was cleaning out the files in my laptop and I saw this.  'made me laugh.)

"What is it about guys?  There you are, just minding your own business, then suddenly, he gives you special attention, texts you all night every night, and does you favors.  You start to feel special.  You start to daydream.  You start to think of all the romantic possibilities.  This is it.  Suddenly you have a love life.  And it goes on and on. 

I didn’t think that I’d be one of those girls who write about this kind of thing.  But it happened to me.  What a cliché.  But before you think that this is a story with a happy ending, take another look at my title.  I’m not talking about knights in shining armor.  I’m talking about assholes.  One, in particular. 

So back to my story.  You’d think everything was going perfectly.  Then suddenly, just out of the blue, he ignores you.  Completely.  Oh, I’m exaggerating.  But he ignores you enough that you notice it at once.  Especially after the loads of attention he’s been giving you for months and months.  And now everything’s a mess.  You’re previously ordered and satisfying routine is wrecked.  You’re preoccupied with thinking what you did wrong.  What happened???!? Is he mad at me? Doesn’t he like me anymore?  And all that shit.  Stupid thoughts that absolutely lower your self-esteem. 

Okay, so I just read what I’ve written so far.  Talk about bitter!! Haha!  I hate this.  Even now, I still don’t know what’s going on.  That’s the thing I hate about M.U. stuff.  It’s just 2 people assuming that they like one another, but you can never be for certain.  I, for one, do not like to assume things.  I want things to be clearly said.  The annoying thing is, I did exactly that, I assumed there was something going on between us.  Sadly, I was wrong.  And now I’m paying the price. 

One thing I’ve learned, though.  I should never feel bad about myself.  He’s the one with the problem.  The way he’s acting just shows that he’s not worth it.  So beware of assholes.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  They’re not just the blatant ones.  The worst kind of asshole is the one pretending to be a gentleman."

Internshit

I almost forgot about this blogsite.  I've been out of circulation for a year, detached from everything except the goings-on inside the hospital.  I was a junior intern, slave to everyone from nurse aides to consultants.  We were viewed as lower than pond scum: junior interns are the lowest in the hospital heirarchy.  But I didn't mind.  You really have to go through shit when you're a junior intern, literally and figuratively.  We do everything.  We diagnose patient's illnesses, manage them, treat them.  But aside from that, we also collect their urine, do manual fecal extraction, get their blood, stick needles in them, collect sputum and other body secretions as samples... Combine all the jobs/tasks of medical technologists, nurse aides, nurses, maintenance crew, and doctors = that's the job description of a junior intern.  As I said, we do everything.  We moan and we curse and we cry over our tasks, but in the end, we realize that it's all worth it.  It's what makes us doctors.  By going through all those things, I can say I'm well prepared for the real task ahead...

lost

so... what do i do? this is my first ever blog or post or whatever. i know, i know. thousands of people have been doing this for over a year now, and here i am, trying it out for the first time. why the sudden urge to write a blog? i dunno. i've always been the conventional, write-in-your-journal-every-night kind of person. i'm not one to publish my thoughts on the internet for everyone to see. the truth is--and it's not some exciting or existential reason... the truth is... i ran out of notebook paper. hahah! how lame! but true. i ran out of paper to write in. so, with lack of anything to do, i decided to create a blog. i don't have any particular topic. i just want to yak on and on about stupid, inane, trivial things. sorry. i don't read blogs, really. and the few blogs that i accidentally read were really, really good. i forgot what they were all about, though. hehe.. i'm not expecting anyone to read this non-sense blog, but if someone does, well, thank you and i hope u enjoyed reading a whole paragraph without any content. ahihihi. i'll try better next time, when i'm more articulate. i'm afraid my brain's taken a vacation, as it's the holidays after all. so, for the lucky person reading this blog, Merry Christmas!